User talk:Half-Breed2014
Welcome Hi, welcome to Creepypasta Wiki! Thanks for your edit to the Bristol Cavern page. Please be sure to check out all the Site Rules, as it is important to follow them. Failure to abide by them may result in your account being blocked. Read some new pastas by checking out or browse by topic by checking out the Genre Listing. Please leave a message on my talk page if I can help with anything! WhyAmIReadingThis (talk) 04:23, December 14, 2015 (UTC) EmpyrealInvective (talk) 02:16, March 14, 2016 (UTC) Re: Story While there weren't a lot of mechanical problems (although there were a few: "The doctor held my tiny body, the nurses tended to mom who was shedding tears faster than she could breath (sic)", "Mom is a religious person, she believes in god (God, as it's in reference to the monotheistic one) and the devil (Devil, as it's a title/specific one).", "She thought that it might have been god or whatever force (missing the rest of the sentence/clarification).", "She was telling me that it was god that interfered (intervened?) and brought me back to life.", etc.) there were quite a few story issues that really weigh down the story. Story issues: The introduction needs quite a bit of work. "She seemed a little off, her facial expression wasn’t the usual smile, she seemed like she was thinking about something. I asked her if something was wrong, she told me that nothing was wrong but instead she wanted to tell me a story from when I was born." What event precipitated her to tell the story in the first place? It feels unconnected to the plot and shoe-horned in as an introduction as most parents don't often recount the birth of their child at (seemingly) random times. Story issues cont.: The story feels pretty rushed with the twist at the end being tacked on. It has no reference earlier in the story (even though it should most likely open the story to lead into why she's telling the story) which gives it a very added-on feel. How would the protagonist seeing a shadowy figure in the corner of their room for extended periods of time not be cause for some alarm? It gives the sense that you wanted a twist on the end, but didn't really build up to it at all. Story issues end: Finally there's the issue that there isn't a lot of focus/description for the entity which really weakens its inclusion as it just feels like it was pasted onto the story at the end as an afterthought. Why is it always in the corner? What is its purpose throughout the story? What's with its focus on the protagonist? These questions really weigh down the overall story. A little mystery can make a story involving, too many unanswered questions and it makes the story feel rushed and not very fleshed out. There's quite a lot of work needed for this story to really function. I would suggest using the writer's workshop as feedback would like point out these issues. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 23:53, March 14, 2016 (UTC)